For context, this article was written in response to my being asked, tongue in cheek, how we could monetize the successful offset of climate change by holding our breaths and refusing to exhale. If enough of us did so, then collectively we could offset the carbon footprint of President Bidenโs Air Force One!
๐ง๐ต๐ฎ๐ป๐ธ๐ ๐ณ๐ผ๐ฟ ๐ท๐ผ๐ถ๐ป๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐บ๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ต๐ฒ๐น๐ฝ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐๐ผ ๐บ๐ฎ๐ธ๐ฒ ๐๐ถ๐ฟ ๐๐ผ๐ฟ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐ข๐ป๐ฒ ๐น๐ฒ๐ด๐ถ๐ again. (I have goose bumps!)
Like myself, I can see youโre a concerned American that wants the best for our POTUS. So when he travels by convenient but non-carbon neutral conveyances, itโs just crappy.
In doing so, he exposes himself to political attacks by elitist scientists. Those who know how to truly measure the difference between GHG emissions, rare naturally-occurring carbon dioxide that just happens to be in the air sample and oh-so common bovine flatulence.
These guys are smart but unprincipled. They’re little more than raw degenerates who weaponize their scientific prowess. They make jokes and publish memes. The world laughs. It laughs at Bidenโs bumbles.
All of that abundant, excess COโ emitted from the endless guffaws and chortles is wreaking havoc on the fragile ecosystem of some South American tropical rainforest somewhere. At some point in time. Somehow. Tiny little tree frogs you’ve never even heard about are dying and itโs got. To. Stop!
The need for still air is no laughing matter
As you know, uncontrolled laughter accounts for an inordinate amount of gusty drafts of air. Collectively, itโs a very serious problem. Itโs proven that non-moving air is very susceptible to these mercurial breezes.
We need to certify teams to go out and measure places where the air lies still. Water closets, broom cupboards, crawl spaces and cellars. This will be our baseline. For each minute airflow remains immobile we know for a certainty and beyond the shadow of a doubt that weโve categorically and undisputedly prevented billions of BTUs of toxic laughing gas (exhalation) from spoiling our cities and towns.
Weโll create a non-profit (theyโre too altruistic to take money) to collect fees as a percentage of the official census. We wonโt keep any of the money, weโll simply re-invest it into the most laughable of places.
This betterment process will start with happy, profligate municipalitiesโthose that laugh the mostโlike Yellow Springs, Ohio, where comedian Dave Chappelle lives. We will descend on the village, assess damages and levy fines. (They wonโt be laughing after they see our bill!)
Weโll also reach out to some of the best academics in the land, in some of the best avant-garde universities in the world (like Antioch), and train real critical thinkers (unique mavericks who just so happen to see things like we do). These professors will explain the complexities of the situationโpainstakingly documenting the measurements of something that canโt be proven and getting paid obscene sums for doing so. Collegiate-level affirmation like this should easily satisfy all the low-watt bulbs too dim to comprehend the. Underlying. Science.
If we want to be taken seriously, weโll need the backing of the UN and the WHO, minimum. Those organizations can threaten smaller countries with compliance. (Sadly, there will always be nations who fail to grasp the benevolent genius of our people-centric vision. They will need a firm, loving financial smack upside the noggin to get on board. Trade embargo, anyone?)
While we beat red-headed stepchild countries into submission with one hand, we will on the other hand simultaneously show them that economic behemoths like China which create air pollution like projectile vomit will ultimately be given a pass.
Why? Because nobody laughs in China. Seriously. Living in the land of Wuhan isn’t exactly funny business. No laughter, no gusty drafts. No drafts, plenty of nonmoving air. Ah, environmental balance restored!
Western nations realize that a country that produces roughly 30% of total global carbon emissions isnโt the problem at all. Itโs the mirth, or more specifically, the lack thereof. Thatโs the socioeconomic goal: mastering the mirth by controlling the air. What wins the day? Air that. Lies. Still.
We can’t place technicians inside China, but the CCP assures us theyโll provide measurements when we ask.
Unsurprisingly, Americans have been laughing at all this for way too long. Thatโs why we have such bad luck with climate change in our own country: Weโre too busy mocking the rest of the world.