The media latched on to yet another story-that-ain’t-a-story. It’s about a zombie named Jesse Kipf, a computer hacker who, appropriately enough, forged his own death… certificate. (After all, he was a fully animated non-living person.)
Kipf, a co-parent, didn’t feel the call to support the offspring’s custodial birthing people unit thingy, and one sure-fire way to dodge financial support is to wake up dead.
So with a limited supply of tools available, Jesse registered with the State of Hawaii as a corpse. It is said that “dead [men] tell no tales” and happily, they don’t have to pay child support either.
But in a supposedly free society where the subjugated are forced to hack their way to death, a society considered so liberating that we freely self-identify from a growing list of at least 70 freely-defined genders—thank Isis the government goes along with each one we make‑up discover—we find that our reality is desperately limited to a Neanderthal approach that says we must be dead. Or. Alive.
Ugh! That’s so binary!
(Just imagine a world with only two genders!)
I’ve known plenty of people in the hospital who were sicker’n dogs. Some of them got so busy pushin’ up daisies that in the end they kicked the bucket, but none were allowed to set their status while waiting to grow wings and fly away. Knocking on death’s door isn’t the same as living a life of health, and we should be able to say so.
Just as there are nuances of gender, there are shades of life—including full zombie.
A truly enlightened society would embrace this. The Civil Rights Act needs to keep up.
It’s the government, stupid
Yet in a heavy‑handed approach geared to strip us of all personal autonomy, Uncle Sugar and her merry band of multi‑gendered, rainbow‑coloured, extremely alive jackboot thugs militantly refuse to recognize that we are who we say we are: dead.
That’s all Kipf wanted. (And he asked nicely enough—he even filed the “paperwork” himself.)
For example, if Ellen Page gets to force its “you-cannot-call-me-by-my-deadname” façade down every lobotomized windpipe, then why can’t Jesse Kipf claim to be six feet under? The double standards are as clear as embalming fluid.
Ellen, born a woman, demands to be affirmed as not‑a‑woman while Jesse, born alive, humbly asks to be seen as no-longer-alive. Yet Page gets a pass while Kipf has to take it on the chinbone. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.
If Ellen insists we ignore something as immutable as the XX chromosome pair—she was born with this, it wasn’t “assigned” at birth—then why can’t Jesse have the obvious fact he’s alive scooched out the way? We applaud the one and roll our eyes at the other. And in our self-righteous deprecation, Kipf’s self-label is flatly ignored and his all-important self-identity is relegated to the fires of the crematorium.
This is how we treat our undead. The dichotomy is beyond disgusting!
The medical world has on-call staff ready and waiting to provide for the Pages, but no official channels exist to encourage a Kipf.
None.
When Jesse did the only thing possible to soothe the pangs of a tortured conscience and satisfy a crisis of identity—a mental turmoil that lasted 39 long years—the legal world jumped up and gave him 81 months for it. Just for being honest. And technically, all he did wrong was fail to use a VPN.
(Just imagine a world where Ellen Page is thrown in jail because of elective surgery.)
Morally, it’s too easy to side with the zombie’s plight. And the benefits keep on giving. Financially, one may save a ton of money going through life as not‑really-alive. Income tax, property taxes… all gone. Wave goodbye to estate taxes and probate. And because you never truly die, that nasty death tax will never apply!
Shoddy reporting and unjust laws
Sadly, it appears that the story of Kipf (who hasn’t yet seen fit to declare the self‑styled pronouns we all depend on) is brought to us by a gaggle of reporters who couldn’t be bothered to lift a finger (or a shovel) to dig any up. Socially unexhumed, Jesse is presumptuously declared to be a Kentucky “man.”
Bleah! That’s so non‑DIE.
Necessarily, Kipf took matters into his own hands the hands associated with whatever pronouns have yet to be published. But what should have been applauded as a brazen can‑do attitude on the part of the pre‑posthumous dead to declare personal status (and demand universal obeisance) is instead covered with all the misdirected excitement of a funeral dirge.
Equipped with a congenital vagina, there’s no law against a woman like Page calling itselves/themself a trans, so why won’t we let Jesse be considered as good as dead? We support the one but not the other. How is this considered equality?
A movie star like the paige boy can have zie/hir breasts surgically mutilated resculpted for $12,000 cash, yet a corpse like Jesse can’t shave six figures off back child support.
Where’s the ACLU?
The overt favoritism lavished upon the transsexual vs. the transdead is nothing short of appalling.
In Montana, more than two dozen Republican lawmakers have co-sponsored bills that would allow students to misgender and “dead name” their transgender peers without punishment, but if you wait to see how long it takes our legislators to start protecting the corpsified, you may as well start counting mold spores on a funerary urn.
Say it with me, class: “The-Dead-Have-No-Rights.”
One-sided policy making has gotten so bad that currently, some 19 States have capriciously chosen to ban gender-affirming care by blatantly demonizing “child sex mutilation” for youth, teens and all minors under 18. If our precious children can be deprived of the maiming and life-saving medical disfigurements they’re so desperately told they need, how can we expect society to treat the unalive with any shred of dignity whatsoever?
Going further, if Colorado can pass a law that makes it a crime to deadname or misgender a trans, how long do you think it will be before it enacts legislation that makes it a crime to misperson a zombie?
Uh-huh, keep counting the mold.
One day, we might see clearly
The community that can’t wait to see our little ones make an irrevocable and “permanent life decision” is the same one that criminalizes adults who knowingly choose a life of death.
Page’s deadname notwithstanding, there’s only one reason for this swift kick in the balls‑yet‑to‑be‑attached: The living have no respect for the dying!
Cadavers—a legal term that denotes those who transition from full life to mostly just not quite dead yet—are mocked, ignored and treated like second-class citizens.
It’s as if they aren’t even alive and don’t even exist!
But they have feelings. They have emotions just like the non-cadavered. They have abilities and dreams, and one day they’ll have rights, too.
Jesse is the pioneer here, sprinting solo across the finish line to raise awareness for all departed stiffs (even those who can still walk, talk and work a keyboard). After all, you don’t have to live in a coffin just because you’re dead. And you don’t have to work in Hollywood just to have a deadname.
That is the. Actual. Story.
On cue, the media missed it. You might have missed it too if it wasn’t mentioned.
Astute readers may wonder how on god’s green earth could someone like Kipf, deceased or otherwise, access an account almost two years dead old. An account—still alive active—assigned to someone who no longer held the position for which it was registered. An account that should have been killed deleted. An account on which administrative oversight should have been exercised but which was carelessly ignored for some 666 days.
Uh‑huh, how in hell’s half‑acre does this happen? (I bet you’re dying to know.)
If this is the current state of network security in the Aloha State, then it’s bad on the island.
Carlton S. Shier IV (him/his), United States Attorney for the Eastern District of Kentucky, explained, “This case is a stark reminder of how damaging criminals with computers can be, and how critically important computer and online security is to us all.”
Hmm…
That no representative, official or IT person was investigated, disciplined, tried, punished, fired or removed from office for failing to maintain online security in Hawaii for two years is actually the. Real. Story.
And it is punctuated by the efforts of a transdead who just wants to get by in a cruel selfish world that refuses to acknowledge the authenticity of his dysphoria and stuff. And everything.
And death and taxes child support.
refs:
• https://archive.is/wip/Ulzj3
• https://archive.ph/wip/9GLp6
• https://archive.ph/CyNXH
• https://archive.is/SFO6x
• https://archive.is/LTkp2
• https://archive.is/rpF8S